BIRD LIMERICKS
A very precocious curlew
flew down to my barbecue
protesting to me
that chickens go free
I added him to the menu.
An ostrich was timed in a run
he went like a shot from a gun
he has a contract
and a driver's been sacked
next year he's in Formula One!
A woodpecker tapped on my door
complaining his beak was so sore
"Those light poles aren't real
they're made out of steel
don't you guys cut down trees any more?"
A mocking bird went to the Doc
he'd given his head quite a knock
the prognosis: poor
he'd cry out no more
he'd lost all his talent to mock!
He vitamized birds into mush
and swallowed them down with a rush
he showed us his throat
and said with a gloat:
"You see that white rash there? That's thrush!"
A magpie was out late at night
he'd had a few drinks and was tight
he said: "It's a riddle
I'm stuck in the middle
I'm white with black and black with white!"
I peered in a cage at the zoo
and asked the large bird: "What are you?"
He said: "You're a fool!"
then dived in the pool
poked his tongue out and yelled: "I’m a smew!"
A pigeon pair filed for divorce,
she said he was faithless, of course,
he argued his case
till red in the face
and swore that she snored like a horse!
A jackdaw a rook and a loon
met in the casino at noon
the feathers then flew
and the dealer did too
he cheated them all at pontoon!
A swan headed southward with glee
but soon stopped to land in the sea
He cried in frustration:
"I hate this migration
I never keep up with the vee!"
A pullet complained to its mum:
"The life of a hen's really glum
with spindly legs
and hundreds of eggs
you have to extrude from your bum!"
A buzzard sat down in a diner
said: "Please do not label me 'whiner'
that roadkill's okay
but not every day
plus a burger with coffee is finer!"
A nightingale said to its mate
"It's really a sad twist of fate
I wrote a new tune
that sounds great around noon
but we never start singing till late!"
A mallard complained: "Pond life sucks!
too noisy - all croaking and clucks
and out on the side
are coyotes that hide
and hunters who like to shoot ducks!"
The church hall was crowded that day
the sermon was "Lay and let lay"
a Rhode Island red
passed the plate and then said:
"We must now thank the Lord, let osprey!"
The beaters were coming amass,
the quail ran off through the grass,
when one heard their cries
he yelled, closed his eyes,
and ran straight up another one's ass!
The bald eagle board passed a motion
to holiday down by the ocean
addendums then said
upon each bald head:
compulsory sunscreening lotion!
