HOSPITAL LIMERICKS
A nurse said "I wish I was dead, man
I'm going quite out of my head, man,
I knocked back a date
With the head doctor's mate
Now I'm permanent here, cleaning bedpans!
A patient who kept getting worse
cried out "I must go home now, nurse!
You've done all your best
and performed every test
but I've come to the end of my purse!"
A pretty young intern was bored
A student Doc got his reward
He sees her now daily
As he does his rounds gaily
She's there in Maternity Ward!
A doctor whose penis turned green
Asked a medico what did it mean
He said "It's a curse
From bonking that nurse
Too close to the X-ray machine!"
In emergency room was this clown
Could not take a seat or sit down
If you looked round the back
you'd find his arse crack
Was jammed with a (insert a noun)
Taking a walk in the rain
A doctor was asked "Please explain"
He said "Surgery
Is so stressful for me
I'm here just to cool down my brain!"
A man died, his wife was in shock
He'd been fit, like a quarterback jock
A small bout of flu
Only kills but a few
He should never have seen Doctor Spock!
A nurse said "That Doctor is cute
And he has a good job to boot
We went out last night
Were feeling just right
So he morphined us both-what a hoot!"
An orderly fell for a Doc
which gave his poor Mother a shock
Took the doc home for dinner
"Mum I'm on a winner,
May I introduce you to Jock?"
I once had a date with a virgin
Some wines and then I started urgin'
I got her to bed
"Don't hurt me" she said
I went in just like a great surgeon!
A patient was looking quite down
"What's up?" asked the nurse with a frown
"That orderly's bi
And he gives me the eye
And I don't have a back to my gown!"
The patient let out with a yell
"This hospital's cheap...bloody hell!
The nurses are plain
The Doc has no brain,
And his scalpels are all blunt as well!"
I was a young reckless fool
every nurse would entice me to drool
my constant erection
and sex-crazed connection
expelled me from medical school!
The doctor said "There is no pill
I'm afraid that your sickness will kill
You tomorrow, no doubt,
Oh, and on your way out
Would you stop at the desk, pay your bill?"
They circumcised old Major Gough
The doctor held it and said "Cough!
Let's see how it heals"
The Major said "Feels
Like you've cut the entire thing off!"
The children's ward annual party
was such a success, gay and hearty
and little Bill Wiley
screwed lovely nurse Smiley
then bragged to his mates, what a smarty!
I won't go to see Dr Flower
The last time I fell in his power
He just didn't talk
Grabbed me by the stalk
And inspected it for a whole hour!
My best friend was there in the bed
A bandage was wound round his head
My thanks I did give
When they told me "He'll live
Take your dog home" "You Bewdy, Here, Jed!"
Rumours abound at St Nick's
The doctors are all country hicks
Male children are born
and then drenched, tailed and shorn
Then they tie rubber bands round their pricks!
An anesthetist from San Francisco
met up with a guy from Nabisco
he gave him a pitch
and they got stinking rich
their cookies a hit at the disco!
