INSECT LIMERICKS
A fly said: "It's not very funny
Bees live in nectar and honey
But cos I'm a fly
From birth till I die
I have to hang out round the dunny!"
One night at the Hollywood Oscars
A fat actor sat eating toscas
But something went crunch
He said "What did I munch?"
And pulled out a beetle's proboscis!
A flea crashed a big termite party
Got drunk and was feeling quite hearty
They thought he was good
Cos he smashed up their wood
With the help of a little karate!
Two spiders were noisily playing
Their mom came and gave them a flaying
She said "Stop that riot
You have to be quiet
A mantis is here, and he's praying!"
I stopped for a drink at a bar
She gave me my beer, I said "Ta,
Is the manager in?"
She replied with a grin:
"It's that centipede, there in the jar!"
A stinkbug was there on my blotter
reading my new Harry Potter...
my anger it grew
and I said "Bugger you"
end of story - my thanks to fly swatter!
Julie the June bug was sad
she cried for the life that she had
"I need to know why
I must die in July...
Can Autumn be really that bad?"
A moth was intent on his flight
said "I know I'm dying tonight
but that will be great
if I've found me a mate
that last-minute sex - dynamite!"
A brothel, a couple of slabs
then throwing up in yellow cabs
I thought I was done
that I'd had my fun
but the star of the night was the crabs!
Two butterflies hung round a light
He said: "Wanna?" she said: "I might,
Some foreplay would help"
So he massaged her palp
It turned out a hell of a night!
An aphid, a terrible cheater
abused his poor wife, yes, he'd beat her
but she held her own
she was getting her bone
from a tender and caring mosquita!
A millipede thought it was neat
To walk up and down in the street
But after a while
he said with a smile
"Good fun, but My God, my poor feet!"
The Amazon jungle, they say
has a million insects who stay
away from our sight
only come out at night
when mosquitoes will drag you away!
A Mexican cowered there, foetal
When asked was he scared, said "A leetle"
And there in the corner
A murderous horner
Yes - a rhinocerous beetle!
A fly and a moth called a pact
together, in bed they were shacked
I know it's absurd,
they were found by a bird
the ending? They sadly were snacked!
A maggot went out to a dance
a girl blowfly gave him a chance
she watched as he wriggled
and then only giggled
as he made a big mess in his pants!
A hornet was starting to cry
and sobbed: "Tell me please why do I
have a sting in my tail?
with women I fail
I can't even pick up a fly!"
A locust was sitting in school
the teacher thought he was a fool
he would open his book
but as soon as he'd look
at a landscape he'd hopelessly drool!
A wasp in a hospital bed
was buggered, and soon would be dead
he said "I blew my chance
I attempted to dance
but stung my own asshole instead!"
I sat at a bar and I got pissed
a mix of vermouth and scotch mist
and then I awoke
right next to a bloke
he said: "Hi, I'm a lepidopterist
There in a rotten potata
A gay beetle hit on a slater
he wiggled his shell
and the slater said: "Hell...
I'm late for a date, see you later!"
A lady bug yelled out in ire:
"I wish I was a better flier,
my kids have pissed off
and if that's not enough
my sweet little house is on fire!"
A beggar fell down on his knees
thanked the lady for giving him cheese
"If I can replay,
I'll do it some day"
but he'd already given her fleas!
A wasp said: "Karate's for chicks
I don't need to learn any tricks
when I'm in a fight
I'm always all right
kicking need legs - I have six!"
A caterpillar moved like a sloth
till the day he turned into a moth
then he zoomed like a jet
to the cupboard to get
his teeth into everyone's cloth!
A Chinese guy got sick of spice
he didn't think noodles were nice
he went around raving
about his new craving
for candied grasshoppers on rice!
Millions of ants marched along
all chanting a unionist song
"Kill one of our race
and ten take its place,
We'll be in your house before long!"
