ARMY AND WAR LIMERICKS
The evening was freezing in France,
the trenches no place for romance,
But young Private Myer
in between cannon fire
taught a Normandy daughter to dance!
When Johnny was going to war,
his Mother said: “This is a bore,
your sisters and Mummy
just love our gin rummy,
and now there’ll be three and not four!”
The fighter jets swooped with guns blazing
the cows in the paddock were grazing
one said: “All my cud
is covered with blood.”
Another one answered: “Amazing!”
The Sergeant addressed the platoon:
“We’ll do a forced march ‘neath the moon”
The men wouldn’t hike
they all went on strike
they hadn’t been paid since last June!
He tripped as he threw his grenade
all over the place he was sprayed
his mate said: “That’s sad
I’ll miss little Brad
I hope his insurance was paid!”
We quickly established a breech
and the enemy ran from the beach
they should have held on
our ammo was gone
we only had one bullet each!
The army had discipline, poise,
the guns were remarkable toys,
but Barry was gay
he joined up today
because they have thousands of boys!
They wanted a brave volunteer
he put up his hand without fear
the bullets may fly
but he was the guy
who’d go out and fetch back some beer!
The General ordered retreat
it looked like a certain defeat
he’d noticed the Hun
had a dirty great gun
and his face was as white as a sheet!
With medals all over his chest
they said that the Sarge was the best
he’d held up a bank
went out, bought a tank
then crushed a machine-gunner’s nest!
The cannon fire lit up the night
artillery showing its might
one soldier, quite young
just poked out his tongue:
“I dare you to come here and fight!:
A sniper was down near the creek
he said: “I’m afraid things are bleak
the enemy’s here
the targets are near
but I ran out of ammo last week!
The private was skinny and lank
he said: “I’ve the army to thank
a fabulous diet
you really should try it
six months in Iraq in a tank!”
The sentry was not what we’d planned
I had to attack him by hand
behind him I crept
then I could have wept
my bayonet fell off in the sand!
The Captain jumped on to the mike
and called in an air cover strike
no planes came to aid
so he did the raid
with a guy with a gun on a bike!
The prisoners started to cry
the Captain asked one of them why
he answered: “The food
is tasteless and crude
we all want some hot apple pie!”
The soldier went down in the mud
the medic was looking for blood
he said: “You’re in luck
the bullet that struck
was made in Taiwan – it’s a dud!
